december 28, 2023
sometimes i wonder why people want to die, from the point of view as someone who does. it's really interesting how people love to talk about how rare it is to be alive, yet i see it as a rare thing to suffer for 70 years, 27 if i'm lucky
it's late now. i don't even think i'm going to die at 27. 20 if i'm even luckier. i have the urge to run out into the woods and be eaten by bears.
no art right now. i'm in the middle of nowhere with a friend of mine. i feel like i ruin everything that i touch.
january 2, 2024
why can't i just die now? why can't i just lay down and die now?
all i need to do is just keep working on the website and then i'll be okay
january 11, 2024
new chair. it's slightly enjoyable i guess
i'm starting to get into more psychedelic things again
march 23, 2024
yesterday i went to my first punk show. more people know about this website now. i hope i can make album covers for people or maybe even photograph them.
photography especially, i think people would enjoy my collages
april 26, 2024
all i want is for the torment to end. that's all i want.
no matter what i do. no matter anything. every day it feels like i inch closer and closer.
i would detail it but then people would get concerned about me and that's what i don't want at all
i'm sorry to everyone i have worried
it's best that you stop interacting with me altogether
for your own sake
july 2, 2024
i'm in a very odd place. i can't sleep.
i can't sleep without thinking of that wretched man and the way that he touched me sunday night. disgusting.
everything in his neighborhood was so clean and so polished, and there i was. the outlier. i felt like i was being hunted. i was terrified of everyone. i thanked god that i was going home late that night. i hate going there but it's a taste of something i've never and will never experience on my own accord
july 3, 2024
my birthday is in three days and i want nothing but to stay home and stay away from everyone. the things that have happened to me keep me up at night. the hands that have touched me. the mouths that have come in contact with me. they flash in my fucking mind and they don't fucking leave even though i beg and beg and beg. i wanna hide under my desk. i wanna hide under my bed. i wanna hide in my closet and in my hamper and under my covers so that they don't get me again.
hilariously enough this is all my fault
august 3, 2024
i tried not to fall in love with someone. but the way he touched me, it was so nice. it was nice until the memories of all the men that have hurt me came back to me. the sunday night.
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he was so lovely to me. such a sweet smile. held hy hand and gently ran his thumb over it and comforted me and whispered in my ear and held me when he had to go all the way back across the country. i feel so cold. i feel so cold.
august 10, 2024
another friend gone. i don't understand how i could possibly get through to this person. they wanted to apologize to me but it's probably because i know things about them that could ruin their entire life. i wouldn't ever do that to them, though.
everybody leaves when they get the chance.
september 2, 2024
he's gone. he's gone. he found someone else, that rake.
my eyes and throat burn. my face and body feel weak. my joints feel dysfunctional.
body, mind, soul. always. always the body, the mind, and the soul.
he was not my brutus but he was a senator
september 17, 2024
i thought i was getting better. seems like i'm not. i had a feeling that things eventually would go downhill. i relapsed for the first time in months last week. it felt so good to cry like that again. i missed it. i missed it all. it feels so good to be back.